Struggles of Relationships

This blog post is going to be a lot more vulnerable than I am used to being, especially since this is something that anyone can read. In my last post, I talked about my experience with community while I was in North Carolina. Living together with others, doing life together, supporting each other, worshipping together. Relationships have always been one of the hardest areas of my life. I’m not talking about working through conflicts that we have with those around us. What’s difficult for me is building relationships deep enough to even have conflict. I struggle to get relationships even to a surface level where I just ask someone if they want to hang out. So friends have been few and far between in my life. 

The best times of my life have been the times when I actually had people that I could call friends. While I had friends in middle school and the first half of high school they were not good influences or care that deeply so I started to feel alone. Whereas, Senior year of high school was one of my best years when it came to relationships. I had friends who were good people and I enjoyed spending time with them. The only thing that I didn’t have in those relationships was a lot of depth. My fear of what others thought of me kept me from letting people really in. Once I graduated though it went to being practically no relationships at all: my best friend moved to Georgia, others who still lived nearby we just kind of drifted apart from lack of time once we got to college and because we didn’t have a ton of depth in our relationships in the first place. I put no real effort into saving those relationships or into building new ones at college, church, work, or anywhere. 

I was alone again with no people to hang out with. At least that’s how I felt. I did have people who cared about me and I spent time with: my family and my mentor. My mentor was the only person I was not afraid to be extremely vulnerable with and tell everything to. But I lacked relationships with people that I could spend time with, have fun with, and be vulnerable. 

I would occasionally put a small effort into making a relationship but I was too afraid to really try. I’m a natural introvert and pretty quiet but still I would think back to times in my life when I was young, probably in elementary school, and would tell a friend in my class something about myself and then they would immediately go and tell others, or laugh at what I had to say or what I did. It felt like it happened every time I said or did anything. It probably wasn’t that bad but when you’re young it can feel like it. So I did the only thing I could think to do: retreat further inside myself. You can’t be made fun of what you say or do if you don’t say or do anything. This is probably why I find it so much easier to be vulnerable with those older and those above me than my peers. I had grown up thinking my peers can’t be trusted with any remotely deep personal information about me. 

I would fill my need for relationships with video games and lots of youtube. Using communication with others over video games or watching other people on youtube or tv to try to replicate the feeling of relationships. While I never did actual drugs or alcohol those had become my drugs to avoid the pain of a lack of real connection with other people. But God has been spending the last two years helping me to get off of these drugs of mine. First, getting rid of almost all video games, except the few I can play, and not worry about spending all day on them. Then, he showed me my dependence on youtube. Which I’m still working through now. That one has been harder because I realized just how much I truly loved it and being stuck inside due to covid has not helped that addiction either. 

Due to my lack of close relationships with others, I would often find myself thinking or even crying out, “God, most non-believers have more of a life than I do! What is wrong with me?” Which was, and to be honest, still is a thought I think often. The first real taste I had of relationships where I got to spend time with others, enjoy their company, and found myself being vulnerable was when I went to Wisconsin. Then I had a taste of it again in North Carolina. 

Between both of those trips, God has placed a real fire in my heart to seek community and relationships that I could have that same fun and vulnerability that I had while I was gone. Of course, it was easier while I was gone since I was living with them and we were doing almost everything together. Whereas, here back at home it is harder than it even usually would be. Between a pandemic, not being able to drive because of my seizure back in August, and not having a job. 

There is some good news though God has called me to start going to a new church. Granted it isn’t a huge church switch I just left LifeChurch Canton for our sister church, LifeChurch Livonia. I already knew a decent amount of people there before I even went. I had no intention of leaving Canton when I got back to Michigan but God made it clear the switch was for the sake of seeking community. So I’m trusting that when I put effort into relationships their He will provide. Since me and Him, both know I can’t do it myself. 

I know these relationship skills that God has been developing and is continuing to develop in me are going to be extremely necessary when I leave for the World Race in August. I mean I’ll be living with people who I’ve ever only talked to online for almost a whole year. So better to start developing them now than while I’m away. But, above that, I also just want community here in Michigan. People who I can enjoy spending time with, share what is going on in my life with, and to love well.